Eureka Christian Church

Reflecting Christ's Light from Our Doorsteps to the Ends of the Earth

Family and Parenting

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Intergenerational Faith Conversations

How do us old folks share our witness and wisdom with young folks who don’t seem to want to hear us?

Sharing your wisdom and experiences with younger generations can be a rewarding endeavor, even if they may initially seem disinterested. To effectively convey your witness and wisdom, start by building genuine relationships based on trust and respect. Listen actively to their thoughts and concerns before offering advice, choosing appropriate moments to share your insights. Be open-minded and acknowledge the differences in your experiences, demonstrating an understanding of the challenges they face. Patience is key; understand that young folks may not be ready to hear certain things immediately. Lead by example, showcasing the values and principles you want to impart through your actions. It can be helpful for young folks to encourage their independence by allowing them to make their own decisions and celebrate their achievements to create a positive environment for sharing wisdom. Respect is crucial for the success of intergenerational relationships, but it must go both ways. The goal is not to impose your views but to offer guidance and support, fostering an environment where they may become more receptive to the valuable insights you have to offer.

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How do I help a young person going through a transgender experience?

How do I respond to and serve a young person going through a transgender experience and their parents are rejecting them?

The first and most significant thing you can do to help respond to and serve a young person in this situation likely feels almost like an overly simplistic answer: you listen.

If they have asked to be called by a new name and/or new pronouns, use them. If they need to let out frustrations or just their emotions, listen. The reason for this is oftentimes, when their parents and family reject a transgender youth, they find themselves without anyone to listen to them and hear them.

The following steps will depend, but find out their specific situation:

  • What help do they need?
  • What are they lacking at the moment because of this rejection?
  • Are they homeless or at risk of being kicked out?
  • Are there avenues that their parents are pursuing potentially regarding conversion therapy?
  • Can they find a place to support them if they need it in a crisis?

Services exist for youth in a crisis like this, often depending on the person’s age and location. Look into your specific area; some resources may be available, and some might not. Places like thetrevorproject.org offer online, call, and text helplines specifically for LGBTQIA+ and transgender youth in crisis and can help them get resources targeted for their area.

On a more active level, if the youth is comfortable and their parent’s rejection comes from a place of faith (most of the time, rejection of transgender identity is due to the idea that transgender is somehow sinful or against biblical teaching), ask if they would be open to you speaking to their parents about it. This could be done either with the youth present, and you acting as a mediator or without them there. Some might be comfortable with this; others might not.

If you aren’t sure what to say to common talking points or where to start for your own knowledge on transgender experiences within the concept of faith and Chrisitanity, welcomingresources.org has an excellent pdf guide for those in faith communities, and this article from Queer Theology also offers some great insight.

At the end of the day, all you can do is listen and try to offer transgender youth the best support you can through that listening. Sometimes, that might mean that all you can do is be a shoulder for them to cry on and a safe adult to go to. Make sure they understand that they are safe and respected with you.

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Why has one of my sons quit speaking to me?

Why has one of my sons quit speaking to me?

I do not know the context.  However, it seems likely there is a lot of pain behind this behavior, and, of course, it is causing you pain, too. Most people who do this kind of thing have given up, and are feeling hopeless that anything can be different. Since they have cut off the communication, it is now all on you to try to repair the relationship.  The problem with being cut off is that your son’s narrative about you is frozen in time, and furthered by the thoughts in their head.  It will be important to “control the narrative” some by encouraging them to interact with the real you—but the real you may need to interact differently than you have, since they have quit speaking.

I would recommend a variety of approaches (email, text, mail, phone call, showing up on their doorstep), all with the initial message of wanting to let them know you care (without strings).  Once this has been communicated, I would express once or twice (but not more, so as to avoid badgering them), your desire to hear FROM them, wanting to UNDERSTAND them. You have to be prepared to be rejected as you try most approaches, but not to be overtly angry, demanding, or dejected to your son.  As the son, they have relational power.  But as the parent, you have relational power, too, and, even if they are an adult, you still have a lot of power and you are still the parent.  It will be important to continue to offer unconditional messages of love, care, and concern, and not to demand a response or a positive response in return. Carl Rogers, in his book On Becoming A Person, speaks about how most of us grow up with some messages of Conditional Positive Regard (e.g., “I will love you if. . .”), and that what we need to become who we were created to be are messages of Unconditional Positive Regard (e.g., “I love you. Period.”) It will be important that he experience you in the latter way.

This is a hard situation to be in.  I wish you well as you work to repair it!

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How can I help a child when unintended slights or mistakes are multiplied over time in her mind?  

How can I help a child who lives in a world where conventional logic cannot be used to resolve issues?  Where unintended slights or mistakes are multiplied over time in her mind and forgiveness and forgetting seems to never come? 

It will be important to understand how she sees the world.  Is it that she does not understand conventional logic, or that her logic is very different? What is the reason she holds on to unintended slights or mistakes?

Once you have an understanding of how she sees the world, and can demonstrate that through words or behaviors, then you can help her to understand how others see the world—what more conventional understandings of things are.  This is not to say they need to give up their way of understanding the world, but rather that it will be important for them to understand more conventional logic if they are to understand others, interact with them effectively, and resolve issues with others (including you!).

Many people hold on to slights and mistakes out of fear—fear of being hurt again. It will be helpful to let her know that this guarded—resentful?—stance is probably hurting her the most of all, and that she may become bitter if she continues to hold on to negative feelings toward others long-term.  Forgiveness allows us to let go—not just for the other person, but also (and maybe primarily) for ourselves, so we do not have a bitter, negative heart.

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Developing more patience as a parent in the everyday grind.

How can I develop more patience as a parent and toward the everyday work/household grind?

There are seasons in life, and I think most would say the parenting/everyday work/household grind season is very difficult—the latter two never go away, but the parenting season can be a particular challenge. There are several approaches which can be helpful (maybe all being implemented at once):

  1. Impatience, or, for that matter, any kind of chronic negative experience, is typically a sign that things are out of balance in our lives.  It is important to identify what is out of balance, and to try to find some balance.  Sometimes this means removing some negatives (it might even seem like a positive, but if it has become a negative hassle, then it might be worth removing from your life). It often means adding some positives, too—positive people, positive activities that do not feel demanding. (see number 2 below). There is a concept called Flow—when people do challenging things they have skill in, they come away from the activity invigorated and recharged. Seeking out more of such activities can be helpful.
  • Play is important.  The more busy with taxing things we are, the more we need to play.  Years ago I read a book called Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places.  The book itself was excellent.  However, I wanted it because of the title. Sometimes we can get so caught up in doing the grind things in life we lose sight of the positives. I am encouraged by the mental picture of King David dancing in celebration and praise on his way back from a battle one day—he was letting loose, “playing.”
  • Meditation. Meditation allows us to slow down and become aware of God’s presence, but also ourselves—our deeper needs. I sometimes think of these as things we are “hungry” for.  We need food, and air, and water, but we also need other things. We we allow ourselves to slow down on a regular basis and meditate, those deeper needs can surface in our minds. This is a difficult practice, however, because this seems very counterintuitive in the midst of a busy life!  However, as with most things, it becomes easier with practice. It also becomes something that, in and of itself, develops more of a draw for us the more we do it and the more we see the benefits of it.
  • Reframing can be helpful, stepping back to see the big picture of our lives and the blessings in the midst of the strain. It can sometimes be helpful to imagine if the strains were not present, and how great our lives would be then (e.g., no child or children, no spouse, no job, and so forth; this would be similar to Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life, when he wishes he had never been born).