Eureka Christian Church

Reflecting Christ's Light from Our Doorsteps to the Ends of the Earth

Questions

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Why do people have anxiety?

Why do people have anxiety?

People tend to have anxiety when they experience fear.  Sometimes this anxiety is warranted and useful, such as when we are in a physically dangerous situation.  However, much of the time anxiety is not so helpful, such as when it keeps us from talking to an interesting person or trying something new.

The best way to cope with anxiety is to challenge it.  There is a technique called Exposure-and-Response-Prevention which involves us facing our fears directly until we no longer have debilitating anxiety in the face of them. If I am afraid of bridges I need to develop a plan (usually a progressive one, involving strengthening thoughts, going out a little way on to the bridge, and so forth, until I can tolerate standing in the middle of the bridge for long periods of time). However, it will be important that I be able to tolerate being in the middle of the bridge once I get there, because if I run off in a panic, it will actually make my fear worse.

Some anxiety is more existential—a chronic feeling that we should be someone other than we are.  The psychoanalyst Karen Horney spoke of the Ideal Self and the Real Self. She wrote of “The tyranny of the should.”  She spoke about how, when we are not living up to our Ideal Self, we feel anxious (she used the older term “neurotic”). It is when we can accept who we actually are—our Real Self—that we are no longer anxious and most content. Understanding who our Real Self is requires openness to introspection, acceptance of feedback from our experiences and from others, and humility. It also requires a lifetime, and is not ever fully accomplished.  

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How do people manage the constant pressure that is put on them to succeed?

How do people manage the constant pressure that is put on them to succeed?

I am assuming you want to know how people successfully manage this pressure. It is important for a person to know themselves—what is important to them, what they are drawn to, what they are good at—and to let that be their guide, rather than the expectations of others.  The psychobabble terms for external pressure vs. internal pressure are External Locus of Control and Internal Locus of Control. These terms refer to what factors are most important for motivating and evaluating the success of our behavior. Those with an External Locus of Control are worried about what others value and what others think. Those with an Internal Locus of Control are guided by their own values and thoughts. It is hard to have an Internal Locus of Control when we are young, and, for many, when we are older, too.  However, many develop more and more ability to be their own guides as they gain more life experience.  People are happier when they are their own guides.

This fits well with the Christian life, too. Jesus did not seem concerned about externals, and, in fact, spoke most strongly against the Pharisees, who looked very faithful but whose internal motivations he knew were not positive. When we are focused on being who God wants us to be, then the external pressures become less significant.

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Why has one of my sons quit speaking to me?

Why has one of my sons quit speaking to me?

I do not know the context.  However, it seems likely there is a lot of pain behind this behavior, and, of course, it is causing you pain, too. Most people who do this kind of thing have given up, and are feeling hopeless that anything can be different. Since they have cut off the communication, it is now all on you to try to repair the relationship.  The problem with being cut off is that your son’s narrative about you is frozen in time, and furthered by the thoughts in their head.  It will be important to “control the narrative” some by encouraging them to interact with the real you—but the real you may need to interact differently than you have, since they have quit speaking.

I would recommend a variety of approaches (email, text, mail, phone call, showing up on their doorstep), all with the initial message of wanting to let them know you care (without strings).  Once this has been communicated, I would express once or twice (but not more, so as to avoid badgering them), your desire to hear FROM them, wanting to UNDERSTAND them. You have to be prepared to be rejected as you try most approaches, but not to be overtly angry, demanding, or dejected to your son.  As the son, they have relational power.  But as the parent, you have relational power, too, and, even if they are an adult, you still have a lot of power and you are still the parent.  It will be important to continue to offer unconditional messages of love, care, and concern, and not to demand a response or a positive response in return. Carl Rogers, in his book On Becoming A Person, speaks about how most of us grow up with some messages of Conditional Positive Regard (e.g., “I will love you if. . .”), and that what we need to become who we were created to be are messages of Unconditional Positive Regard (e.g., “I love you. Period.”) It will be important that he experience you in the latter way.

This is a hard situation to be in.  I wish you well as you work to repair it!

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How can I help a child when unintended slights or mistakes are multiplied over time in her mind?  

How can I help a child who lives in a world where conventional logic cannot be used to resolve issues?  Where unintended slights or mistakes are multiplied over time in her mind and forgiveness and forgetting seems to never come? 

It will be important to understand how she sees the world.  Is it that she does not understand conventional logic, or that her logic is very different? What is the reason she holds on to unintended slights or mistakes?

Once you have an understanding of how she sees the world, and can demonstrate that through words or behaviors, then you can help her to understand how others see the world—what more conventional understandings of things are.  This is not to say they need to give up their way of understanding the world, but rather that it will be important for them to understand more conventional logic if they are to understand others, interact with them effectively, and resolve issues with others (including you!).

Many people hold on to slights and mistakes out of fear—fear of being hurt again. It will be helpful to let her know that this guarded—resentful?—stance is probably hurting her the most of all, and that she may become bitter if she continues to hold on to negative feelings toward others long-term.  Forgiveness allows us to let go—not just for the other person, but also (and maybe primarily) for ourselves, so we do not have a bitter, negative heart.

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Developing more patience as a parent in the everyday grind.

How can I develop more patience as a parent and toward the everyday work/household grind?

There are seasons in life, and I think most would say the parenting/everyday work/household grind season is very difficult—the latter two never go away, but the parenting season can be a particular challenge. There are several approaches which can be helpful (maybe all being implemented at once):

  1. Impatience, or, for that matter, any kind of chronic negative experience, is typically a sign that things are out of balance in our lives.  It is important to identify what is out of balance, and to try to find some balance.  Sometimes this means removing some negatives (it might even seem like a positive, but if it has become a negative hassle, then it might be worth removing from your life). It often means adding some positives, too—positive people, positive activities that do not feel demanding. (see number 2 below). There is a concept called Flow—when people do challenging things they have skill in, they come away from the activity invigorated and recharged. Seeking out more of such activities can be helpful.
  • Play is important.  The more busy with taxing things we are, the more we need to play.  Years ago I read a book called Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places.  The book itself was excellent.  However, I wanted it because of the title. Sometimes we can get so caught up in doing the grind things in life we lose sight of the positives. I am encouraged by the mental picture of King David dancing in celebration and praise on his way back from a battle one day—he was letting loose, “playing.”
  • Meditation. Meditation allows us to slow down and become aware of God’s presence, but also ourselves—our deeper needs. I sometimes think of these as things we are “hungry” for.  We need food, and air, and water, but we also need other things. We we allow ourselves to slow down on a regular basis and meditate, those deeper needs can surface in our minds. This is a difficult practice, however, because this seems very counterintuitive in the midst of a busy life!  However, as with most things, it becomes easier with practice. It also becomes something that, in and of itself, develops more of a draw for us the more we do it and the more we see the benefits of it.
  • Reframing can be helpful, stepping back to see the big picture of our lives and the blessings in the midst of the strain. It can sometimes be helpful to imagine if the strains were not present, and how great our lives would be then (e.g., no child or children, no spouse, no job, and so forth; this would be similar to Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life, when he wishes he had never been born).

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What about evil and suffering?

Editor’s Note: Three questions were submitted that are closely related to one another:

  1. How can evil exist when God is all powerful, all loving, all knowing?
  2. Why does God allow so much evil in our world?
  3. What’s the point of all this suffering?

These questions — and others like them — are the subject of a branch of theology called theodicy, which roughly means the effort to defend God’s goodness and justice in the face of the existence of evil.

The necessity of that effort grows, in large part, from the belief in God’s omnipotence — i.e., that God is all-powerful. If, indeed, God is all powerful, all loving, all knowing, then the presence of evil or suffering is perplexing and troubling. And the anguished cry of humans is likely to be something like: “God, why are you allowing this?”

But many theologians have suggested perhaps God is not all powerful in the sense of having all the power. Perhaps God’s creatures have some power and the freedom to exercise that power.

It could be, these theologians have proposed, that God seeks to guide and persuade God’s creatures to behave in a certain way, to make actual God’s will for them. But the creatures possess some power and some freedom. In a misuse of their freedom, the creatures to some degree or another reject God’s guidance. When the divine guidance is rejected to some degree or another, the result often takes the form of the suffering and the evil that we see in the world.

I have found this understanding of the relation of God to God’s creatures to be helpful. It preserves the belief in God’s power and love; it serves as a vindication of God’s justice; and it acknowledges the freedom of God’s creatures. It also provides a deeper and more profound meaning to the admonition to pray, “not my will, but thine be done.”

For a fuller and more systematic exploration of the concept of “divine persuasion,” you might try reading this book by Lewis Ford. It’s available online at: https://www.religion-online.org/book/the-lure-of-god-a-biblical-background-for-process-theism/

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What can be done about all the division in our country today?

Questions: What can be done about all the division in our country today? How can I love a neighbor who is detestable?

These are difficult but crucially important questions. Shortly after receiving these questions, I came across a thoughtful and challenging article written by Adam Russell Taylor in the October 27 issue of the Sojourners newsletter, which seems to me to provide a way to think about how we may respond to the polarization and division in our nation.

Taylor suggests we begin with the church and affirms that “The church should be a place where people with divergent political views can coexist and be in fellowship because our unity in Christ supersedes our political and partisan loyalties. As the Apostle Paul reminded the Galatian church, in Christ ‘There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.’”

And yet, polls indicate that a majority of Christians prefer to attend churches where people already share their political views. And in many churches, the minister feels constrained to avoid raising issues over which the congregants may be divided.

Despite this, the church cannot simply disengage from politics. That would mean abdicating “the church’s critical role in serving as an instrument of justice, righteousness, and peace in the world.” Rather, the church should “serve as a balm, a bridge, and a beacon in an increasingly divided nation and world.”

To serve as a balm “requires a deep commitment to reconciliation, telling the truth, and repairing relationships broken by injustice.” This includes being honest about how our churches have often failed to display the inclusive love that was exemplified by Jesus.

Pastors and lay leaders need to remind their congregations of the biblical values of loving our neighbors, exhibiting kindness and faithfulness, and, at the same time, the courage to stand up for our beliefs.

Finally, Taylor points to the concept of the “Beloved Community,” which he suggests “is one in which every person is valued, is seen, and is enabled to thrive. It requires building a society in which neither punishment nor privilege is tied to race, ethnicity, gender, religion, ableness, or sexual orientation.”

Churches, their leaders, and their members could use this vision — which is rooted in Christian values — to draw people of differing political views into a commitment to a common goal: attempting to become the Beloved Community. Perhaps this commitment could help us overcome the divisiveness and polarization so prevalent in our country.

The whole article is worth reading and contemplating. It may be found at: Taylor, Sojourners

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How Can I Be Better?

Question: How can I be better?

            One may look to Jesus to understand how to better ourselves. In Mark 12:29-31 Jesus says, “The first is, ‘Hear, O Israel (and all of humankind): the Lord our God, the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is this, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” Through the centuries, these words have been described as the Great Commandment. Jesus connected our love of God with our love for others.

Another relevant scripture would be what we know of as the Golden Rule. We find in Luke 6:31 Jesus tells us, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Interestingly, every major religion in the world expresses this same thought. Therefore, regardless of a person’s religious persuasion, it appears an important way to “be better” is to treat others as we would like to be treated.

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Why did Jesus have to die?

Question: Why did Jesus have to die?

It is quite likely that Jesus understood himself to be the Messiah of Jewish tradition, whose role it was to proclaim the coming of the Kingdom of God. Furthermore, it is likely that he expected to play an important role in that kingdom — indeed, that he would become king of the Jews.

It is the latter expectation that probably caught the attention of the Roman authorities. Contrary to much popular opinion, the Roman government was not intolerant of religion. There were many religions in the Roman Empire, and they were not persecuted — so long as they performed their duty to worship and make sacrifice to the official Roman gods. But the one thing the Roman authorities would not tolerate was the refusal to worship the official gods, or for someone to proclaim themselves to be king over against the Roman emperor.

Thus, from the perspective of the Roman authorities, Jesus—who was being proclaimed as King of the Jews—“had to die.” He had to be executed.

However, some of his followers reported experiences in which Jesus was alive again. As these reports spread among his followers, the stories those followers told one another began to evolve.

The letters of Paul which were written beginning around 50 C.E. reveal some of this evolving message. It’s in these letters that we first hear some of the themes that will become important in the later Christian message. The Gospels — written between 70 and 90-100 C.E. — continued the evolution of this Christian message. It’s important to note that the letters and the Gospels now used language to describe Jesus— such as “Son of God,” “Lord,” and “Savior” — that had formerly been used to describe the emperor.

With this evolution of the message about Jesus also came the proclamation that he “had to die” to bring about our salvation.

For further exploration, I recommend Marcus Borg’s Evolution of the Word. Borg has a clear and helpful explanation of how the message about Jesus evolved. He has also arranged the books of the New Testament in the order in which we believe they were written, thereby providing an interesting new perspective.

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Jesus, the Son of God

Question: The Gospels all proclaim that Jesus is not only a son of God, but the Son of God. Do you think Jesus would have said this about himself?

It’s important to first think about what the Gospels are and are not. The Gospels were written 35 to 60 years after Jesus’ death. They are not histories as we think of histories. They are narrating stories about Jesus that had been handed down by the followers of Jesus to guide the beliefs and practices of the followers of Jesus in their day. A clear clue to the nature of the Gospels is found in the Gospel of John, where we read the gospel was written “that you may come to believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God” (20:20-31).

With this in mind, it is interesting that — so far as I can tell — in none of the Gospels does Jesus unambiguously refer to himself as the Son of God. It is someone else who makes this identification, and Jesus often simply says, “You say that I am.” His response neither affirms nor denies the identification.

Jesus does seem to accept the title of Messiah. There are good reasons for thinking that he considered himself to be the Messiah in a specific sense — namely, as one who has been called to proclaim the coming of the kingdom of God, which would soon arrive.

But it doesn’t seem that he thought himself to be or said he was the Son of God. That was something the Gospel writers proclaimed on behalf of the community that had come to believe Jesus had risen from the dead and therefore must be divine.

If you’d like to explore this topic in greater depth, I recommend a book by Bart D. Ehrman entitled How Jesus Became God. It’s not an easy read, but it’s worth the effort.