Eureka Christian Church

Reflecting Christ's Light from Our Doorsteps to the Ends of the Earth

ECC

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How can I help my elderly parents without taking away their sense of independence?

How do I help my elderly parents without taking away their sense of independence?

What a hard question.  Well, you need an unconditional love for them and lots of patience.  They will probably struggle with everything it takes to be independent.  They will have frustrations and at time you will be the person to blame.  So when actions and decisions have to be make, be sure to include them in what course of action needs to be taken.  If it is something you need to do, include them as much as you can.  It is something they can do, decide together and let them proceed.  Remember it is a family affair like it always has been except now the heavy part of the process has shifted to you.  As much as possible try to help them understand that too.  Again lots of patience and unending love among all of you is essential.  Oh, yes, be sure to pray about it.

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How do I show love?

How do I show love?

What is love? At its heart and very roots love is caring deeply about people and caring calls for “action” that puts flesh and bones to love. It certainly is not sentimentality. Sometimes love to be tough, but always caring. Love requires a deep commitment to other people in which the self is set aside to caring things can be carried out. Maybe it is contributions to the food pantry, maybe it is being sure a handicapped person gets needed transportation or food. Maybe it is sitting with someone who is very ill or maybe something as simple as a telephone call or a card or babysitting. God does use you for this. It is a fantastic experience.

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How do I grow in my desire to share God’s word?

How do I grow in my desire to share God’s word more?

It seems to me that a person needs to be involved in church school and other faith groups where questions can be raised and answers sought. Often there may be no single “Oh! This is the answer!”
Sometimes discussions can lead in positive ways and take a long time to bear fruit. Answers to other questions may be found along the way. Reading your Bible will help. Using Christian reference books are helpful. The work of authors like William Barclay and Richard Rohr provide feed for thought and
“A-HA” moments above all. Be faithful to your purpose and be patient.

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Why does the Bible make me feel like nothing I do will be right by God?

Why does the Bible make me feel like I should die? Like nothing I do will be right by God?

I’m sorry that reading the Bible makes you feel as it does. And it’s true that some parts of the Bible, like Jesus’ instructions to “turn the other cheek,” (Mt. 5:38-40, NRSV) or to “go, sell your possessions, and give your money to the poor,” (Mt. 19:21, NRSV) sound like impossible ideals for us to live up to.  You may find comfort in knowing that Paul, to whom authorship of much of the New Testament is attributed, also felt badly about his inability to live as he believed God intended him to live.

In his letter to the Romans, Paul wrote, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate…For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.” (Romans 7:15-19, NRSV).

Paul, however, also understood the power of God’s grace and God’s desire for us to be justified, or made right, with God through our faith in Christ. In the same letter to the Romans, he also wrote, “There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death.  For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do: by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and to deal with sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, so that the just requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (Romans 8:1-4.NRSV).

Please know that you are not beyond God’s reach, God’s power to forgive, or God’s love, and that God longs to be in relationship with you.

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Why have we been cursed, yet blessed?

Why have we been cursed, yet blessed?

These questions have vexed theologians for thousands of years, and as you might imagine, they have generated a variety of responses. Some believe that the blessings are God’s reward for righteous, or faithful living, while the curses are punishment for unrighteous and unfaithful living. Others believe that moments of suffering, or curses are meant to be times for us to learn something important from our suffering, and that we will be rewarded for enduring suffering, either in this life or in a life to come.

You began your question by asking, “why?” The premise of your question is that there is a why. Some would say that there is no “why,” and that suffering is simply part of the human condition. I don’t presume to know who is right and who is wrong, and if I’m completely honest, I need to admit that before I share what makes sense to me. I don’t think of God as a God who is controlling every event that happens in the world, that is, every blessing and every curse.  Instead, God cedes some of God’s power to humankind and gives us the freedom to make choices – some good and some not as good – to allow us the opportunity to grow and flourish. But I don’t believe God is indifferent. God is present even when we suffer. God is more like the loving parent who kisses her child as she walks out the door in the morning and says, “make good choices today.” We need that freedom to grow, to flourish and to live out our potential, to become all that we can be; and that involves risk on God’s part. I believe that risk is an inherent part of God’s creation. Some will argue with me and say, “but couldn’t God have created a world without that risk and without the likes of Adolph Hitler?” Perhaps. But that may also be a world without Jesus, Mozart, Albert Schweitzer, or Mother Theresa.

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How can I have hope when life seems so overwhelming?

How can I have hope when life seems so overwhelming?

Hope is about positive expectations regarding future outcomes.  Life is hard, and can often seem overwhelming.  It is important to develop goals—the more overwhelmed we are, the smaller the goals should be—and to work toward them.  When we have the flu, a major accomplishment might be taking a shower, for example. As we accomplish goals, we should allow ourselves to appreciate them (“Hey, that was something”). If we do this repeatedly, over time we can look back and see a number of accomplishments.

The reason for our hope is important, too.  When our hope is in transient things or empty things, then it will be difficult to sustain it. We see this in the movie Snow White, when the wicked stepmother, whose hope has been in her own beauty, is no longer the most beautiful in the kingdom—Snow White is.  She then seeks to have her killed.  When we are seeking after God we become aware of more lasting things—such as love—which make it easier to sustain hope.

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How do I forgive somebody that keep trespassing on my boundaries?

How do I forgive somebody that keep trespassing on my boundaries?

This is a hard one.  I think the first step is to figure out how to stop the boundary trespassing, because otherwise it will feel like an ongoing wound or trauma. When a person does not respond to our verbal requests, sometimes we have to guard our boundaries by sharing less about ourselves or our situation with this person, asking others in our lives (who do respect our boundaries) not to share information with them, setting up interactions so physically it is more palatable (e.g., we can control the physical space or the length of the interaction more). I once had weekly meetings in a restaurant with two co-workers.  One co-worker would always come late, want to sit on my side of a booth, and then would delay letting me out of the booth when I was ready to go (I flashed back to Junior High every time!). I finally decided to sit at tables rather than a booth.

Once this has been done, and we feel more in control of our situation, then it is helpful to try to understand the boundary-crosser’s point of view.  This is not to say that what they are doing is okay, but that rather when we have more empathy for them and what they are doing—even though it is inappropriate or ill-conceived—then it is easier to forgive them.  Though they may not ever ask for forgiveness, boundary trespasses can cause significant resentment within us, and forgiveness is essential for our own well-being.  Often this process of forgiveness must be done multiple times about the same person, because we keep thinking of the boundary trespassing and having negative feelings about it.

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Why do people have anxiety?

Why do people have anxiety?

People tend to have anxiety when they experience fear.  Sometimes this anxiety is warranted and useful, such as when we are in a physically dangerous situation.  However, much of the time anxiety is not so helpful, such as when it keeps us from talking to an interesting person or trying something new.

The best way to cope with anxiety is to challenge it.  There is a technique called Exposure-and-Response-Prevention which involves us facing our fears directly until we no longer have debilitating anxiety in the face of them. If I am afraid of bridges I need to develop a plan (usually a progressive one, involving strengthening thoughts, going out a little way on to the bridge, and so forth, until I can tolerate standing in the middle of the bridge for long periods of time). However, it will be important that I be able to tolerate being in the middle of the bridge once I get there, because if I run off in a panic, it will actually make my fear worse.

Some anxiety is more existential—a chronic feeling that we should be someone other than we are.  The psychoanalyst Karen Horney spoke of the Ideal Self and the Real Self. She wrote of “The tyranny of the should.”  She spoke about how, when we are not living up to our Ideal Self, we feel anxious (she used the older term “neurotic”). It is when we can accept who we actually are—our Real Self—that we are no longer anxious and most content. Understanding who our Real Self is requires openness to introspection, acceptance of feedback from our experiences and from others, and humility. It also requires a lifetime, and is not ever fully accomplished.  

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How do people manage the constant pressure that is put on them to succeed?

How do people manage the constant pressure that is put on them to succeed?

I am assuming you want to know how people successfully manage this pressure. It is important for a person to know themselves—what is important to them, what they are drawn to, what they are good at—and to let that be their guide, rather than the expectations of others.  The psychobabble terms for external pressure vs. internal pressure are External Locus of Control and Internal Locus of Control. These terms refer to what factors are most important for motivating and evaluating the success of our behavior. Those with an External Locus of Control are worried about what others value and what others think. Those with an Internal Locus of Control are guided by their own values and thoughts. It is hard to have an Internal Locus of Control when we are young, and, for many, when we are older, too.  However, many develop more and more ability to be their own guides as they gain more life experience.  People are happier when they are their own guides.

This fits well with the Christian life, too. Jesus did not seem concerned about externals, and, in fact, spoke most strongly against the Pharisees, who looked very faithful but whose internal motivations he knew were not positive. When we are focused on being who God wants us to be, then the external pressures become less significant.

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Why has one of my sons quit speaking to me?

Why has one of my sons quit speaking to me?

I do not know the context.  However, it seems likely there is a lot of pain behind this behavior, and, of course, it is causing you pain, too. Most people who do this kind of thing have given up, and are feeling hopeless that anything can be different. Since they have cut off the communication, it is now all on you to try to repair the relationship.  The problem with being cut off is that your son’s narrative about you is frozen in time, and furthered by the thoughts in their head.  It will be important to “control the narrative” some by encouraging them to interact with the real you—but the real you may need to interact differently than you have, since they have quit speaking.

I would recommend a variety of approaches (email, text, mail, phone call, showing up on their doorstep), all with the initial message of wanting to let them know you care (without strings).  Once this has been communicated, I would express once or twice (but not more, so as to avoid badgering them), your desire to hear FROM them, wanting to UNDERSTAND them. You have to be prepared to be rejected as you try most approaches, but not to be overtly angry, demanding, or dejected to your son.  As the son, they have relational power.  But as the parent, you have relational power, too, and, even if they are an adult, you still have a lot of power and you are still the parent.  It will be important to continue to offer unconditional messages of love, care, and concern, and not to demand a response or a positive response in return. Carl Rogers, in his book On Becoming A Person, speaks about how most of us grow up with some messages of Conditional Positive Regard (e.g., “I will love you if. . .”), and that what we need to become who we were created to be are messages of Unconditional Positive Regard (e.g., “I love you. Period.”) It will be important that he experience you in the latter way.

This is a hard situation to be in.  I wish you well as you work to repair it!