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How do I forgive somebody that keep trespassing on my boundaries?
This is a hard one. I think the first step is to figure out how to stop the boundary trespassing, because otherwise it will feel like an ongoing wound or trauma. When a person does not respond to our verbal requests, sometimes we have to guard our boundaries by sharing less about ourselves or our situation with this person, asking others in our lives (who do respect our boundaries) not to share information with them, setting up interactions so physically it is more palatable (e.g., we can control the physical space or the length of the interaction more). I once had weekly meetings in a restaurant with two co-workers. One co-worker would always come late, want to sit on my side of a booth, and then would delay letting me out of the booth when I was ready to go (I flashed back to Junior High every time!). I finally decided to sit at tables rather than a booth.
Once this has been done, and we feel more in control of our situation, then it is helpful to try to understand the boundary-crosser’s point of view. This is not to say that what they are doing is okay, but that rather when we have more empathy for them and what they are doing—even though it is inappropriate or ill-conceived—then it is easier to forgive them. Though they may not ever ask for forgiveness, boundary trespasses can cause significant resentment within us, and forgiveness is essential for our own well-being. Often this process of forgiveness must be done multiple times about the same person, because we keep thinking of the boundary trespassing and having negative feelings about it.
